I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
