You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
