I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
