I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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