i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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