All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
