If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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