Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize