I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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