i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
