Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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