I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize