smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
