oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
