I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
