filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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