I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
