SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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