I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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