two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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