i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
