Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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