So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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