All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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