I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
