yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
