I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
