the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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