I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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