I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
