I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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