maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
