3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
When are your genitals available?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
