I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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