Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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