im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
