dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
