I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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