I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
from now on my penis is your penis
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
