grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
