The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I wish there were birth control emojis
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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