I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
