I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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