I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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