remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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