FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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