She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
