i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
