umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
