She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
