Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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