Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
