He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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