YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
