I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
