I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
