this beer tastes like vomit already
Fuck appropriateness.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
