I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize