no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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