Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Randomize
