I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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