summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
