made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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