in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
